Depression sucks. That’s the only verb I can think of to really qualify it. It sucks. Depression takes the usual joys of life and causes you to look at them as if the glass is empty. To hell with the glass being half-empty, that glass is straight up empty. Depression saps energy from you. The energy to do things. The energy to care. The energy to function at a basic level. And that completely sucks.
Logically, I shouldn’t be depressed. I should have gotten depressed last month when I was fired from a job that meant more to me than… well, a lot of things. But I didn’t get depressed. I got energetic. I fought and kept moving. And now it just feels like the energy is running out. I’m starting a new job on Monday, a job that I want and like, and I feel kinda mushy. Feeling mushy is a feeling I don’t like. Maybe it’s because my mind and body is shifting from HAVING to constantly have 1000% energy to a more normal level, like 110% energy and it’s catching up with me.
But I feel tired. And lacking energy. And unable to focus. And I don’t like that. It’s not a good feeling. It’s the opposite of a good feeling, whatever that is. Why do I feel depressed? I have no idea.
And that’s the hardest part to deal with: not knowing why I feel depressed. Again, there’s no real reason why this depression should be happening. Things are looking up. Maybe it’s because things are looking up – I’ve gotten so used to fighting the clouds that when the clouds finally break and sun begins to poke its head through, I’m unconsciously looking for when the clouds will roll back in. Maybe it’s just having to let go of the amount of energy that I had been exerting to not let myself become depressed for the last month. Maybe it’s something else. But since there isn’t a clear and visible answer that I can divine out right now, it’s hard to deal with.
I’m reminded of Allie Brosh’s writing/MSPainting on depression (Adventures in Depression and Depression Part Two) and I know all those feelings. The not caring. The inability to generate a feeling. Luckily, I’m not there. I’ve been there. I do not want to go to there.
Depression sucks. Feeling mushy sucks. Not having energy? That sucks, too.
But it will pass. It has before. It will again.