Last night… was one of the strangest experiences I’ve had in a very long time. It’s just before 9:00 o’clock and there’s a knock on the door. I say “come in” and the door opens very hesitantly.
I don’t know what look I gave her, but it felt like one of the great “what the hell is going on” looks of the year. She said “hi” and I said “hi” and it was all quite awkward. And then she left. It felt as though reality had totally slipped out of my hands. I looked at Pete and asked “What the fuck just happened?” without eliciting much response. I left the room and looked down the stairwell. I hesitated.
Should I go see her?
I blitz down the stairs, catching her in Findley lounge. Still being totally freaked out by her presence, I didn’t know what to do… so I asked for a hug. We talked for awhile… 20 minutes maybe? She had to leave… but wanted to know if we could hang out later. Sure.
I spent the next hour-plus not writing my paper, but rather freaking out. It felt like I was having an acid flashback or something (not knowing what an acid flashback is, this is pure conjecture.) What had just happened? Was this real? It seriously scared me that I felt like the final screw had come loose and life began to repeat itself.
She came back at around 10:30 and we ordered pizza from Domino’s… large thin-crust cheese and an order of cheesy bread. We talked… she talked. I listened. Something felt right again, just being near her, yet not in the sense that I felt hopeful. I felt like this would bring closure, I could really move on.
She stayed until 2:45… we made it to the bottom of the stairwell and she apologized for how things ended. This really made me want to just let go and start crying. It wasn’t her fault… I just stopped communicating. I should have called her, like she said, to let her know that I was thinking about her.
We talked for another hour at the bottom of the staircase. We hugged and she asked if I was going to be okay. I said yes, ultimately because I am okay… the total mix of emotions that was going through me wouldn’t really allow for it at the moment. She left… and it felt so strange. It was like leaving Midway again… but not with a weeping heart. I sat on a stair and put my head in my hands.
Was I supposed to cry? I did… a little bit.
I went upstairs and sat down in the hall… I cried briefly again. And then again once I got into bed. But I am okay.
How was it not going to be weird to see someone that you once felt so strongly for… but didn’t feel the same way about?
It seems now, though, the final chapter has been written and the book officially closed, one year and three months after it opened.
It was incredible. And everything is okay.